The Children Page 3

  HAZEL. When have you heard it?

  ROSE. In the summer.

  HAZEL. You’ve been here, in the summer have you?

  ROSE. Yes, of course, in the past

  HAZEL. Ohin the past, I see, sorry, and that’s when you heard these bells these ghost bells?

  ROSE. Yes.

  HAZEL. Well. You’ve always been religious.

  ROSE laughs.

  ROSE. Someone told me once, at a party, that out of every type of scientist, physicists are the most likely to believe in God.

  HAZEL. Must have been a thrilling party.

  ROBIN. Hazel’s just jealous, we don’t go to parties any more.

  HAZEL. Well Robin drinks too much at parties, it’s a liability.

  ROBIN. Robin does, Robin drinks far too much, and Hazel doesn’t drink nearly enough, speaking of which, have you offered Rose one?

  HAZEL. I… yes I offered her a glass of water.

  ROBIN. A glass of water! A glass of! A whole glass, did you, careful! She’ll think we’re rich as Croesus and nick our pension books when we’re not looking.

  ROSE. And we had tea.

  HAZEL. And we / had tea, thank you.

  ROBIN. Good thing you only come once every forty years Rose, you’d bankrupt us otherwise. With your demands for whole glasses of water. Let’s have a drink. A proper one, to celebrate. I’ll raid the cellar for something with a nose on it.

  ROBIN exits.

  HAZEL smiles at ROSE.

  HAZEL. Robin makes wine. Elderberry. Gooseberry. If he offers you the parsnip it means he wants to get you drunk, it’s absolute filth.

  ROSE. I think, perhaps I should go. Come back in the morning.

  HAZEL. If you really thought that, Rosie, you’d have already gone.

  ROBIN enters with a bottle and three glasses.

  ROBIN. I thought, given the occasion, we might crack open the parsnip.

  ROSE. Lovely.

  ROBIN uncorks the wine.

  Pours it.

  Gives ROSE and HAZEL a glass each and takes one for himself.

  ROBIN. There’s a smell comes off it at first but it’s just the fermentation. It grows on you.

  HAZEL. Literally.

  They raise their glasses.

  Are you hungry love?

  ROBIN. Have we got any steak?

  HAZEL. You know we haven’t.

  ROBIN. I feel like a steak. I feel like tearing something’s flesh with my teeth

  HAZEL. There’s salad or crackers.

  ROBIN. Salad or crackers! You mean I have choices! À la carte! Did you hear that Rose, the decadence coming from my wife’s mouth, it’s like the last days of Weimar Berlin in here tonight!

  HAZEL. Not or, I didn’t mean or, you can have both

  ROBIN. Both? Both! Have you taken leave of your senses woman!

  HAZEL. You’re showing off, he’s showing / off, Rose.

  ROBIN opens a box of crackers, eats two or three in one go.

  ROBIN. Can’t wait until this is over I cannot actually wait to roast a chicken without feeling like the antichrist. How much longer do you think the power shortage will last Rose?

  ROSE. Why should I know?

  ROBIN. You’re still in touch with the world. I imagine you as someone who reads a newspaper. Watches TV. Tweets, do you tweet Rose?

  ROSE. I do not tweet.

  ROBIN. No, we’re not tweeters either, are we dear, we’ve barely mastered the microwave.

  He picks cracker from his teeth.

  Offstage, a phone rings.

  ROBIN and HAZEL look at one another.

  We’re just simple retired nuclear engineers slash farmers who have no idea when the powers that be will resume normal service, get that will you Haze?

  HAZEL goes.

  ROBIN picks cracker from his teeth.

  I’ve got a dry mouth now.

  ROSE fetches ROBIN a glass of water.

  The phone stops ringing.

  ROSE. I don’t expect it’ll be much longer. A month maybe.

  ROBIN. A month! Thank you.

  ROSE. It’s a good thing though, isn’t it?

  ROBIN (downing the water). What?

  ROSE. Well. Learning to live with less.

  ROBIN picks up ROSE’s hand and kisses it.

  ROBIN. But I don’t want to live with less. It’s hell.

  ROSE. Well you might have to.

  ROBIN moves behind her.

  ROBIN. Well then I shall shoot myself with a bolt gun.

  He kisses her neck.

  ROSE. The resources are finite.

  ROBIN. Well maybe people should be taught to use less of them then.

  He buries his face in her hair.

  ROSE. Well maybe you shouldn’t have had four children then.

  ROBIN pulls away.

  Looks at the door.

  ROBIN. You’re upset. Because I never told you.

  ROSE. I’m upset because it’s fucking irresponsible but yes three more children might have been the sort of / thing you’d

  ROBIN. When? One day a year, Rose, if that, when it suited you, when you deigned to – when one of those little notes arrived, nothing but a date and a time and an R with an order, be here, and I was, I was always here, I did, I dropped everything, always, I missed chiropodist appointments for you. Barbecues at the houses of solicitors. I stood them all up the second you landed on my doormat, and the reason I did that

  ROSE. Such a martyr.

  ROBIN. the reason I did that my darling

  ROSE. I hate to think, what would’ve happened if I ever had / to compete with anything you actually cared about

  ROBIN. the reason I did that was not to talk about my fucking children. Anyway you never asked.

  ROSE. I asked about Lauren.

  ROBIN. Because you didn’t want to know really, did you, so don’t be / so bloody theatrical now, especially when

  ROSE. I always asked about Lauren.

  ROBIN. Especially when I haven’t heard a bloody thing from you for five bloody years, don’t walk in here and start, anyway it balances out doesn’t it?

  ROSE. How does it balance out?

  ROBIN. Because you don’t have any. So if it makes you feel better, you could look at it like we just had your ration, and the balance books are still…

  He mimes a pair of even scales.

  ROSE stares at him.

  ROSE. It doesn’t make me feel better.

  ROSE stands, turns away to the window.

  Looks out at the sea. Tries not to cry.

  ROBIN is surprised and alarmed.

  ROBIN. I thought we were playing. I thought we were – talking in that way we talk where – we’re horrible to each other but actually we’re… flirting, Rosie, don’t – I’m so sorry.

  Rose.

  He looks at the door.

  Goes to her.

  Touches her lightly on the arm.

  Rosie.

  ROSE turns, gives him a bright smile.

  ROSE. What happened to your beard?

  ROBIN. What happened to yours?

  ROSE. Scared my students.

  ROBIN. I had a freak accident during a tour of the Gillette factory. The doctors say it’ll never grow back.

  ROSE. I used to like your beard.

  ROBIN. That was the main attraction, was it?

  ROSE. Pretty much.

  ROBIN. Scheiss. If only I’d known.

  ROSE laughs.

  ROBIN throws his arms round her.

  She tries to keep him at arm’s length.

  ROSE. Don’t. No don’t. Please don’t.

  ROBIN feels something different in her body.

  ROBIN. Rose?

  She twists out of his arms.

  But he grabs her hand.

  He pulls her back.

  He feels her chest.

  Scientific, not sexual.

  ROSE. It’s not, I’m alright. It’s, it was in America, the health care’s much better than here now. I’m cl
ear. Eight months.The left one was just a preventative… thing, Robin, don’t.

  ROBIN steps away, very upset.

  ROBIN. Sorry. But you’re… they got it and… you’re… are you, / you’re?

  ROSE. Oh, God, yeah.

  No, I’m… It’s just a nuisance.

  None of my clothes hang right.

  They gave me this special bra but it makes me feel like

  a pantomime dame.

  ROSE forces a laugh.

  I’m sorry. I know how you feel about flat-chested women.

  ROBIN. Don’t be so fucking facetious.

  HAZEL comes back.

  Everything alright?

  HAZEL. Yes.

  HAZEL assembles the salad.

  Oh, by the way. A man came today. Young. Clicky pen. He said they’re talking about putting those things those windmills on the heath and did I want to sign a letter of support.

  ROBIN tops up their wine glasses.

  ROBIN. Well, wind. It’s a start.

  HAZEL. It’s an area of outstanding natural beauty.

  ROBIN. Only when you’re there my love.

  HAZEL. Creep.

  ROBIN. When Hazel walks across the heath, the crickets all go cheep cheep cheep

  HAZEL. Crickets don’t cheep.

  ROBIN. What do they do then?

  HAZEL. They rub their hind legs together.

  ROBIN. Perverts.

  ROSE. Personally I think fusion is still our best hope.

  ROBIN. Not after this.

  ROSE. No, well. If no one loses their / heads

  ROBIN. It’s a terrible thing. A terrible dreadful thing, we can’t just plough on as if nothing’s, can we, no, we need more wine.

  ROBIN leaves the room.

  HAZEL seasons the salad and puts it on the table.

  ROSE watches her.

  ROSE. So the children are well are they?

  HAZEL. Yes! I told you, they’re all fine

  ROSE. I think about Lauren a lot you know. Wondering, how she grew. What sort of life shehas. Because when you’ve known someone as ababy, they’re a blank slate, aren’t they? The possibilities are infinite.

  I mean, for example, what field did she go into?

  HAZEL. What field?

  ROSE. Her job.

  Pause.

  ROBIN comes back in with a new bottle of wine.

  Registers the silence.

  ROBIN. Okay who farted?

  ROSE laughs. Too loudly.

  HAZEL (tuts).Rose was asking what field Lauren went into.

  ROBIN. Oh. Human / resources.

  HAZEL. Human resources.

  ROSE. Oh great. Great. She enjoys that does she?

  ROBIN. She’s on a bit of a break just now.

  ROSE. Oh, great.

  HAZEL. It’s not great.

  ROSE. No, I just meant. I really admire that generation, they’re much more balanced than we were, don’t you think Hazel? They understand work isn’t everything.

  HAZEL. I understood that.

  ROSE. No, of course but –

  HAZEL. I raised four children, I worked but I raised four children, they didn’t suffer because I had a career, they all had costumes for Red Nose Day, home-made birthday cakes (hedgehogs, button moon) never had latchkeys till they were / teenagers

  ROBIN. Hazel was a brilliant mother.

  HAZEL. I’m not dead.

  ROBIN. What?

  HAZEL. Why are you using the past tense, I’m not dead.

  ROBIN. No, I just / meant

  HAZEL starts tossing the salad with her hands, vigorously.

  HAZEL. I was very good with babies. I was in my element with babies, teenagers weren’t my element but even there I made a good stab at it.

  ROSE. I think I’d be the other way round.

  HAZEL. No, people make heavy weather of babies but babies have a small set of very simple desires. They want food, they want sleep, they want to be clean and dry, they want to be held.

  ROSE. I think that’s all I want too, most days!

  HAZEL. No, I expect there are all sorts of things you want

  that are much more complicated than that Rose! That’s what I always liked about Douglas you know, he had very simple desires. He travelled lightly. I found him on the beach once at dusk with a sleeping bag and a Scotch egg, he looked like the happiest man in the world.

  ROBIN. Douglas who, Douglas Klein?

  HAZEL. Yes.

  ROBIN. what are you talking about, he lived like a serial killer.

  HAZEL. Which one?

  ROBIN. I went round / there once

  HAZEL. Which serial killer?

  ROBIN. I don’t know, all he had was two dirty mugs and

  a screwdriver.

  HAZEL. Not Fred West, Fred West was a hoarder, Fred West had a vast collection of tools and he referred to all of them as ‘she’.

  ROBIN. Hazel’s got very into murderers at the moment.

  HAZEL. Lots of serial killers are hoarders actually, it’s a classic sign. The accumulation of stuff is psychopathic. They have insatiable needs. More more more, that’s what goes through the mind of a serial killer. Douglas isn’t like that at all.

  ROSE. And so Lauren is, taking some time off?

  ROBIN. Lauren’s had some problems.

  HAZEL. Robin!

  ROBIN. What? You didn’t know her Rose, after she was a baby but even as a child, even as a small child she had a / lot of

  HAZEL. Robin!

  ROBIN. rage.

  HAZEL slams plates down on the table.

  We used to call her the Vampire. It was very funny.

  HAZEL. You don’t know, she never went for you. Such sharp little teeth.

  ROBIN. Haze made her a little cloak. She was very fond of her little cloak.

  HAZEL. But mainly it was so you could hear her coming.

  ROBIN. I never knew that.

  HAZEL. It made a sort of swooshing sound you see.

  ROSE. Sorry, what was wrong with her?

  HAZEL. There’s nothing wrong with her.

  ROBIN. She’s just quite angry.

  ROSE. About what?

  ROBIN. Oh. Everything.

  ROBIN takes HAZEL’s hand.

  HAZEL smiles, grim, lifts ROBIN’s hand and kisses it.

  ROSE. Can I use your bathroom?

  HAZEL. Do you want a wash?

  ROSE. No, sorry. Your loo.

  HAZEL. Oh, I’m so sorry! Just through there, the green door.

  ROSE goes out. Pause.

  ROBIN. Was that her on the phone?

  HAZEL. Yes.

  ROBIN. Did you answer it?

  HAZEL. …

  ROBIN sighs.

  ROBIN. Hazel.

  HAZEL. She’s left four messages today, it might have been an emergency.

  ROBIN. It’s never an emergency. What did she say? What did she want? Money?

  HAZEL. No.

  ROBIN. What then?

  HAZEL. She was frightened.

  ROBIN. Of what?

  HAZEL. It was a sort of general terror.

  ROBIN. Oh well, as long as there’s nothing specific.

  HAZEL gets up.

  Fetches a loaf of bread and slices it.

  HAZEL. It’s funny, Rose coming, isn’t it?

  ROBIN. Not really. Nice to catch up.

  HAZEL tuts.

  Continues slicing the bread.

  She slices the entire loaf.

  Silence, until:

  HAZEL. Oh by the way, I forgot to say, she got me a glass of water.

  ROBIN. When?

  HAZEL. I’d been out in the sun all afternoon and then I came indoors. I turned my back for a moment and suddenly she was just standing here, it scared me. Even after I realised… she’s just got that sort of presence, hasn’t she, like when the TV licence people come and even though you know you’ve got one you feel guilty, I couldn’t stop talking, burbling on about the hairs on my chin, I felt like I was going to faint or something so I said I
’m sorry, I better have a glass of water, and she said I’ll get it.

  HAZEL looks at ROBIN.

  She said I’ll get it and she got up and she went straight to the cupboard with the glasses in.

  ROBIN. Well, she’s like that, Rose. She likes to feel useful.

  HAZEL. Yes, she went straight to the cupboard, where the glasses are kept.

  The sound of the toilet flushing, off.

  ROBIN. What are you saying?

  HAZEL. Me? Nothing, I’m just saying, she went straight to it.

  ROBIN. And?

  HAZEL. And nothing.

  ,

  ROBIN. It’s by the sink, that’s where most people keep the / glasses.

  HAZEL. Is it?

  ROBIN. Most people.

  ROSE enters.

  HAZEL. Find it alright?

  ROSE. Yes, thank you.

  HAZEL. Rose? / Can I ask you?

  ROBIN. Let’s have a top-up.

  ROBIN refills their glasses.

  ROSE. What?

  HAZEL. I’m sorry, I hope you don’t mind me asking / but

  ROBIN. Hazel.

  HAZEL. No, I should have said before but

  well

  did you do a number one or a number two?

  ,

  Only the macerator on the downstairs toilet is very unreliable and if you did – if you did do a number two then it will cause it to overflow which is, it’s a very messy / business so

  ROSE. It was a number one.

  HAZEL. so we only use downstairs for number ones, if you did want a number two I’d ask you to go upstairs.

  ROSE. It was a number one.

  HAZEL. Oh good! I’m sorry. I should have said before.

  ROSE. It’s fine.

  HAZEL smiles.

  ROSE glances towards the door.

  HAZEL watches her. She almost says something. Doesn’t.

  ROBIN shakes his head at HAZEL, warning.

  HAZEL looks at ROSE.

  HAZEL. I’m so sorry, I hate to / press the

  ROBIN. Haze, drop it.

  HAZEL. no but you’re certain aren’t you? Only I know it’s embarrassing but it’s better just to say now / otherwise

  ROSE. I’m certain.

  HAZEL. You did a number one?

  ROSE. Yes.

  HAZEL. Not a number two?

  ROSE. No.

  ,

  HAZEL. You know what I mean when I say number one and / number

  ROSE. Yes.

  HAZEL. Yes. No, good. Good! Sorry. That’s wonderful.

  ROBIN. Jesus.

  HAZEL. What? Don’t, looking at me like that, it’s not you who’d be on their knees with a J-cloth cleaning / up her

  ROBIN. Hazel!

  HAZEL. God, you’re so squeamish darling! Rose doesn’t mind! It’s a perfectly natural bodily function! He’s always been like this, even with four tiny babies, wonderful father so long as nothing was leaking out of them!